rum

does not help to be more social. And this is the goal of the month, I wanted to make more friends and feel less lonely. It worked with buddies found over the years who caught me online. Felt welcome and understood. Quite confused about my identity. I do not identify with women? And am more masculine than some men? that's news.
And rum was in the cola glasses, three glasses and maybe some 100 ml or rum. And at one point I felt more daring but what was I supposed to dare. The disco was usual dancing torture - I cannot get why people enjoy dancing so much.
Also the women... I do not identify :) feel better around transbois, I think or maybe it is some of my weird ideas of the day. The week was very crucial for the way I look at myself. A lot of support came from the counseling nurse on Thursday and from Ronny, my supervisor, who said that I am very intelligent and did the best on the exam.
A potom some 7 hours of chatting with Roma and Karina, letting thoughts go loose. I should not be afraid to tell and should not think that people do not care (though in reality they dont).
Koroche, ne znayu ya, life seems to very boring and depressing because I do not enjoy things that people find fun. whats wrong with me?

Why am I here?

Today I feel alone, people who are usually there for me are not there, not in a reachable way at least so I gave up on trying to find somebody to talk and decided to sort things out myself.
I just talked to my ex-girlfriend, she has been missing me and loving me for years without really showing me that. The question is then what is love about? Is it how you feel about somebody or is it how you show to them how you feel?
She was surprised that I was over her and in love with somebody else and very close with somebody else. It is possible actually even after you've been very hurt by putting somebody over your own self and living only for her.
But yes I am doing that and actually as of now I am very satisfied with my life. Today at least.